March 1- Emotions Wreaking Havoc

Despite all my posts, I'm not always a ray of bubbly sunshine with an ever-so-optimistic outlook. Truth be told, I don't always feel that way. It has been a rough week. As positive as I'm trying to be, I still go through bouts of... Well a trail mix of different emotions really. I'm in the process of moving from a condo to a new house, so the hubs and I are there EVERY night after work/gym renovating and painting it. No rest for the weary. So I'm sure that doesn't help. But just tonight there I was painting a stencil on the wall and I was getting flustered that I had to keep going over stuff and I was hot and sweaty and then broke down in tears on the floor. My husband came over and sat next to me with a look of "how can I fix this?" If only he could. Quite frankly, I just haven't been myself since all this went down. I WANT to be. But I haven't figured out how to get over something that is ongoing. So open-ended. It's hard to be my usual fun-loving self when I feel broken, scared, anxious, determined, angry... All at the same time, at any given moment. I break out in a sweat and I don't know if it's a hot flash or my hormones coming back or the a/c not cool enough. That's been happening every so often and when it does I first start thinking it's my body starting to produce hormones again but then can't help but think maybe it's just the menopausal symptoms and I downward spiral from there. It's seriously an emotional roller coaster. I can go from being all gung ho that I can beat this thing to thinking about the fact that my ovaries, organs in my body, are not functioning and what that could mean for my health down the road. And these thoughts all take turns bouncing around in my head all day! It's maddening at times. Especially since I DO have a life to live outside of this internal nightmare I can't seem to wake up from. And looking stuff up doesn't always lead me to a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Sometimes I just come across negative stuff about POF that makes me question if my fight is futile.

Then there's dealing with people. It's not necessarily the friends and family that's super supportive or the ones who don't really know what to say. It's the strangers who put their inadvertently put their feet int their mouths unbeknownst to them. For example, when purchasing new appliances for the house the sales manager said, "oh so you're moving from a condo to a house?" Then looked at my parents and said, "won't be long before you're grandparents, huh?" Umm yeah it might be. And then when we were visiting my in-laws we were at one of their friend's dinner party and the comments were flying like bullets at a shooting range. First someone just came right out and asked my husband when we'll be starting a family. He had a good generic answer of "we're working on it" to which they replied, "we'll don't wait too long!" Yeah ok. Then when we were leaving a little early since we were a bit jet lagged someone said, "leaving so soon. Oh, is somebody pregnaaaant?!" Smack smack. I should start saying, "no, my ovaries don't work." Ha! Can you imagine the look on people's faces?!? Why do people even say things like that? You shouldn't go poking into people's personal lives, especially if you don't know them! But yeah... Anytime anyone mentions something like that, the words come at me like shards of glass and it takes a while to shake it off.

But ya know... It's the hand I've been dealt. It is what it is. So while I may wallow in it every now and then (and deservedly so) as my mother always says, I need to "pick myself up with my bootstraps" (though I've never seen these so called boots with straps) and just keep on keepin' on.